Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hun, your jerk boyfriend is like a bottle of sour milk in the fridge. You don't keep going back and tasting the milk to see if it's better; why do you think that if you give him enough chances, he'll magically become a nice guy?

   Redneck turkey timer: add a handfull of unpopped popcorn to your stuffing... when his ass blows off he's done!

   Dear students, I know when you`re texting. Seriously, no one just looks down at their crotch and smiles. Sincerely, teacher.

   hates it when I post something here that I read on someone elses facebook page only to find out that they read this stuff too!!!

   Jamaican GPS' would be soo great. “TURN AROUND, MON. YOU GOIN' DE WRONG WAY. TURN DE ODDA WAY MON. KEEP GOIN' DATTA WAY, MON. TURN COMIN' UP ON DE NEXT LEFT. YOU GOT DIS, MON.”

   Ummm,,,,Why do all these old bands keep copying glee songs?

   NEW SECRET SERVICE CODE OF ETHICS: 1.) When arguing with a hooker in the hotel hallway, Use your "Inside" voice. 2.) You're only allowed to jump on a prostitute if you hear her ticking. 3.) Proudly display the U.S. Flag, But NOT the pole.

   well, I was going to Google something.. but ended up playing the electric piano instead. Thanks Google."

   Just tied a vegan to the train tracks with rope made of Slim Jims. Now we wait.

   You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born when completing on-line forms

   A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort,, it is equal to one night.. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

   I don't mean to brag, but pretty much every pot I've ever watched has boiled.

   Why do people think you'll remember somebody if they say the name twice? "You remember Steve?".. "Steve who?".. "Steve, Steve."

   Everybody talks about my drinking but nobody talks about my thirst!

   If you want to change the Font size on Facebook, just press CTRL and + till you get the size you want, Or CTRL and - to make it smaller.

   wondering why the chick who flipped me off in the parking lot this morning couldn't find a better use for that finger. She could have been so much happier!

   lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about this...

   I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it's dirty again. This is bullsh*t.

   I'm old enough to remember when there was only 1 fat kid in the class photo.

   Some people don't like pizza or bacon, those people are called terrorists.