Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes, late at night, I stop by Walgreens and switch up all the colors in the hair dye kits.

   You can go pretty much go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

   I test drove a BMW and much to my surprise,,, ALL the blinkers worked!................ Explain that,, All you owners

   Why is that every time I visit someone, I have to take a dump, and their bathroom is right there near where everyone is sitting and I'm about to expel what will sound like a 21 gun salute at Niagara Falls.

   I tried killing a spider with glitter body spray. Now it won't stop stripping and I have to call it Cinnamon.

   Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he's making noises with his gum

   Ladies, when you expect a guy 2 be completely honest with u, I laugh. you women wear heels- UR not that tall, you wear makeup- you don't look like that, you color you hair- UR not a blonde. Everything about you is a lie & you expect a man to tell you the

   I'm officially changing my TV remote's name to Waldo.

   I got new deodorant yesterday... The instructions said remove top and push up bottom... My bum really hurts but everytime I fart the room smells awesome

   CNN News: Android users will soon be able to unlock their phones using facial recognition. *Not available in China

   Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.

   I hate it when I forget to turn my swag off at night and I wake up covered in b!tches.

   Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? - You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit

   If you are taken any E.D.prescription medication and have an a erection lasting more then 4 hours, No need to call the doctor, Just look at a picture of Nancy Pelosi and everything will be back to normal.

   If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

   Now that Al-Qaida has officially declared that they will revenge Osama's death, can we see the goddamn pictures coz we already pissed them enough as it is. Might as well rub it in their faces..

   If after many drinks, and she still looks ugly, put a flag on her head and do it for your country.

   just stubbed my toe so hard that I called my ex gf that I haven't spoken to in 3 years and broke up with her again.

   City of Dallas just announced tomorrow is Lebron James Day. Everyone gets to leave work 12 minutes early.

   There are 3 meanings behind 'Liking' someones status. 1) I agree. 2) I realize this is about me so I'm liking it to rub in your face. 3) I want to bang you. :)