Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Red wine goes with meatloaf, right?

   So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not "fergalicious"

   My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

   * changes bedsheets, 14 socks fall out * Hmmm... * apologizes to the dryer *

   How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She's quiet 2.She's yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you

   She died doing what she loved. Taking a car selfie.

   She said there's no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I'm supposed to just "forget about it"?

   Don't see the point in calling this phone a iPhone anymore, it' spends that much time on charge it may as well be called a landline!!!

   Travelocity search: "Ferguson" other people who have searched Ferguson have searched Beirut, Kabul, and Detroit.

   Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I've never heard of.

   I have laughed more at the Broncos offense then I have at the commercials.

   90% of socializing is wondering what to do with your hands when out in public.

   Super Bowl lesson; play to your strengths. Seattle should have given the ball to Lynch ... Katy should have shown more cleavage. Go with what makes you great.

   I am convinced that Kellogg's works for our Government and all that Snap, Crackle, Pop is CODE.......

   What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?

   .... Hmmmmm .... I wonder if you pressure your child into becoming a drug addicted, alcoholic gang banger, ...... if they will disappoint you and become a doctor?

   Can you honor Maya Angelou by not pretending that you knew much about her?

   When a guy says he's looking for a "Country Girl" that doesn't mean he's looking for a girl that's been plowed more times then the family farm. 🐽🐮

   All your shirts claim that you "live to ride"....however, the odometer on your bike parked in your garage determined that was a lie.

   I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.