Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This status sucks!

   Kristen Stew@rt is apologizing for "everything she has done", which I'm assuming includes the Twilight series.

   My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry... In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.

   Might love you quicker if you bring me more Liquor.

   For those of you who can't be with the one you love because she doesn't understand that you're destined to be together, Happy Restraining Order Day!

   Fact: White girls with cornrows are gonna try to put stuff in your butt.

   It's perfectly OK to pretend that you're Irish on St. Patrick's Day. You pretend you're good on Christmas, don't you?

   thinks it's great that my truck will tell me when I have low air pressure in one of my tires...nut it would be even better if it told me WHICH freaking tire needed the air!!

   The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"

   Sure fire way to really annoy a woman - tell her she is being too dramatic and overreacting. .

   Began training today for my new career in mixed martial arts and crafts.

   I bet there is nothing a hug from a panda can't fix.

   News knowledge is important. I was discussing with a guy about the Gaza Strip. He thought it was the adhesive side of a maxi pad.

   I knew she was "Trouble" from the moment the announcer at the strip club introduced her as so.

   No matter how bad your day is going, remember, there’s some guy with his girlfriend’s name tattooed on him.

   I hate being that creepy guy outside your window, but damn girl it's 7:30 already. You're gonna be late for work.

   Been a while since “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” & “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” We need a new song where someone yells a list.

   When a woman says she likes stamina in a guy, she means over the course of years -- not hours.

   I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.

   Life is better after having sex. Or when you know you're about to have sex. Or when you know someone is dying to have sex with you.