Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone texts you 'k', just reply, "L M N O P Q R S T you V W X why Z"

   I have found that the best earmuffs are the inside of a women's thighs.

   I have given up on browsing online dating websites and have moved on to the SPCA Cat Adoptions page instead.

   My house looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.

   When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's called lunar assault & it isn't funny

   Son: Where did I come from daddy? Dad: Your Mother Son: Where did she come from? Dad: THE DEPTHS OF HELL!!!!!

   I have a confession to make to all the rappers out there: I waved my hands in the air and I cared a little bit.

   what do you call a man who has everything and nothing at the same time? Married!

   I just put a cat & a mouse in a cage and I must say, this is nothing like Tom & Jerry.

   My favorite color is Vodka.

   Remember, there can be only one interesting person per relationship.

   I try to have garage sales but as soon as anyone shows a slight interest in something I take it back into the house & look at it with pride.

   I bet that Innkeeper in Bethlehem really regretted that whole “no room” thing.

   I'm hoping for major changes in 2012. Like getting ice out of the freezer and not having one piece always falling on the floor.

   If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap, and bad for you.

   I read an article the other day that said "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic" thank god I only drink every night!!

   PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.

   If you show up at my party with an acoustic guitar, that thing better be filled with onion dip.

   I look at my milk carton in the fridge and it read "Feb 14". Even my milk has a Valentine's date and I don't.

   Its so cold out today that I brought our snowman in the house to warm up ..