Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It kind of sucks living in Detroit this Christmas. The economy has hit us so hard, I heard Haiti was organizing a fund raiser for us

   Hey Everyone just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.. If you can't be good....... be carefull.. Have a safe and fun holiday...

   I showed my iPad to my iPod, and he was all "what's up fatty".

   U know some fairy tales begin with “Once upon a time…” Others begin with “If elected, I promise…”

   I'm almost sure she's cheating on me with her boyfriend.

   I don't usually pick up hitchhikers but this poor guy looks like he's running late to hockey practice. He already has his mask on.

   A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

   have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while you eating it?

   + me on Google+, friend me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, connect with me on LinkedIn, but whatever you do --- do not talk to me in person.

   I feel like I woke up an hour too early this morning

   Sunday morning is for sleeping in, having sex, sipping coffee, and eating bacon.

   The way I see it, EVERY Friday is Good Friday.

   It suddenly dawns on me, I'm gonna have to punch my way out of this nursing home.

   Theoretically, you can't really complain if there's a pubic hair on your everything bagel.

   Hardest job in the world: Police sketch artist in China.

   All my friends are getting jobs, engaged, or married. I'm just getting more awesome.

   If winning was easy, losers would do it.

   Maybe Hostess will open back up in 10 years and hand out 5 golden twinkies...

   Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.

   You know you were drunk last night when you cooked pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees