Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone know how Pink's parents are named? I am assuming Red and White.

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.

   I have a sneaking suspicion that Elton John couldn’t have cared less about how tight Susie wore her dresses.

   it just me, or is Tom cruise starting to look like a middle aged lesbian?

   It’s funny how watching your kids get older is both the best and the worst thing ever

   I accidentally drank two energy drinks this morning and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

   I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.

   When life hands you Don Lemon, change the channel.

   A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already

   I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.

   2016: Trump elected 2018: Border wall completed 2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics..

   United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.

   I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.

   You know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.

   Maybe I'm old school, but I like women with eyebrows actually made out of hair.

   No person who calls themselves the President of the United States should be on vacation while the world crumbles down around them.

   April fool's day idea: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says "Now voice activated!" Sit back & watch the magic unfold.

   I'd like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...

   Good thing it's Valentines day, cause I woke up with a massive heart on!

   So Cardi B singing about her WAP is good and Dr Suess is bad. Got it.