Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I see a parent who doesn't give in to their kids tantrum,,, I want to give them the medal of valor

   Your problem is not my problem even if your problem is me.

   You know it's good sex when the neighbors call the police and a priest.

   From the creator of ‘'I Like You As A Friend'' and ‘'I Love You Like A Brother'' comes in 3D ‘'I Don't Know How To Tell You You're Ugly''

   The existence of the 'snooze' button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.

   I sometimes like to close my eyes and imagine a world with no poverty and also that my hand is a woman.

   When a woman says she’s speechless, free up 8 hours in your day because she’s about to say a lot.

   I don't work this hard to stay the same.

   People are saying that Lindsay Lohan was thumbing her nose at the law. She was prabably just holding it on from all the coke.

   Experience is a good teacher, but it comes at a high price.

   It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening.

   New tourism slogan: "Missouri Loves Company".

   I didn't text you just to exercise my fingers, I was expecting a reply back...

   Pregnancy- The number 1 cause of arranged marriages

   "Shia LeBeouf" sounds like the name of the venereal disease that will eventually rid the world of Kardashians.

   Find your little island of "OK" in a vast sea of "Holy crap!"

   I'm not short; I'm concentrated awesome. :)

   It takes exactly 14 Kitkats to make you pass out from a sugar overdose.

   Last night I slept next to a plate full of Dominos pizza crumbs if any of you are wondering where I am in my life's journey.

   I'd never date a woman that's more muscular than I am. Unless she forced me to. I mean what could I do?