Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who remembers the good old days, when people use to communicate by email?

   Million Dollar Idea: Smoke detector with the setting "Just Burnt Food."

   Thank God for that warning label, I was about to use this lamp in the shower.

   I don't know all the answers but I do know you'll probably feel better if you set something on fire.

   Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.

   Whenever my Girlfriend says she's going to "hit the sack" I instinctively cover my balls just in case.

   Life doesn't come with a remote, so get off your a$$ and change it.

   When it's the only thing standing between you and your comfortable bed, brushing your teeth seems like a huge hassle.

   "I'd choose a lazy person to do the hardest job, because they'll surely find an easy way to do it" -Bill Gates proud to be lazy anyone?

   One man's "trauma" is another man's "most hilarious thing I've ever seen."

   Being single is great! Except for the paying for everything yourself part.

   Can't call it a real relationship if you feel single.

   It so crazy to see how many people are shocked by honesty, and how few by deceit.

   Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.

   If you fear rejection, get a job trying to hand out free samples at the mall food court, problem solved!

   women who dont wear underwear never get their panties in a bunch

   I never make fun of kids for having imaginary friends because my imaginary dad would say "Knock if off".

   I'm not a competitive eater unless someone orders French fries,, "for the table."

   The ULTIMATE a-hole move would be if Bill gates bought every combination of the lotto. Only 176 million combos so he'd double his money unless there was additional winners.

   When I say ‘it's a long story', it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.