Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Moving sucks! Why hasn't anyone invented Copy and Paste for real life?

   would if be cruel to kidnap a man and keep him for purely sexual reasons?

   trying to decide whether Scooby Snacks or a can of Popeye's spinach would help more in a fight

   Peyton Manning's forehead is large enough to show an Imax movie.

   Another epic rematch coming up. The US vs Canada in men's Olympic hockey. The loser gets to keep Justin Beiber!

   We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids,,,, a game known to most other people as Being Poor.

   My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary... Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer...

   Not to brag or anything,,, but I got the high score on my bathroom scale today.

   The way my kids act at Walmart, it's just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!

   Well I failed my drivers test today. The instructor asked me what I do at Redlights, and I said, "Text and Facebook"

   I could've sworn my last status update was funny, but I won't argue. You guys know best.

   POUR SOME HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP ON ME!!!!

   I'm not saying she's a sl*t but whenever she eats a banana in public, she puts one hand behind her head.

   An 89 is just a 69 with a fat chick.

   "We have a history" = "we used to have sex"

   My girlfriend tried to buy something in the internet yesterday... Anyone know how to get a creditcard out of a disk drive?

   I can honestly say I'm 150lbs of pure sexy! Plus 50ish lbs of something soft and squishy

   Have you ever looked at someone and just known that the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead?

   life is sooooooo much funnier when you have a dirty mind

   I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many times I've mistaken insulation for cotton candy.