Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now if we can land Kim Kardashian, on a comet

   Taylor should Have Grab The Mic from Kanye west and Said "im sorry, but MLK jr. Had the best speech of all time"

   I don't want to make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the hat I wore in high-school.

   When someone talks to you and that little drop of spit shoots out there mouth and onto u. you all play it off.. but inside ur like (°°) wtf!

   Whenever I set the voice on my GPS to 'Bon Jovi' it just keeps telling me "We're half way there".

   Why are you sending this chain mail to me? I'm dead from the last one you sent.

   Just read an article about an invasive species of shrimp in U.S. waters that are up to 13 inches in length and weigh up to a 1/4 pound............................................... Give me some c0cktail sauce and I will personally do what I can to help.

   Dear Jesus, I can afford wine. How about you start turning water into gas?

   Wondering if I can purchase "I'm Sixty and I know it" by LMFAO & Madonna on ITunes.

   Don't let loneliness drive you back into the arms of someone you know doesn't give a damn about you.

   Every Sunday is like an episode of CSI... I have to figure out where I was, what I did, and who I did!

   The grass is greener on the other side because my neighbors are Mexican

   Teach a man to fish and he'll be like "Cool, thanks!" Teach a woman to fish and she'll be like "You're doing it wrong."

   Researchers say men are 3 times more likely to be the first to say "I love you", than women. In our defence, ladies, we don't mean it

   went to a shrink today. she says I have a split personality. Charged me 84.00. I paid her 42.00 and told her to get the rest from the other bi tch!

   People really misunderstand me.....I mean, I’m a simple girl, really. I enjoy long romantic walks (to the liquor store)...quiet conversations (with my bail bondsman)....that secure feeling (that only an ankle monitoring bracelet can bring)...

   dear NBC, wake me up when women's beach volleyball starts...

   Sometimes when I post stuff h ere it doesn't post. I figure the A dministrator just gave it to B EGO to post

   I live by my own rules... that my gf has reviewed, revised and then approved. BUT STILL MY OWN RULES!!!!

   It's amazing how many girls are lured into the world of Adult Entertainment. I guess the old saying is true: "There's a sucker born every minute."