Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Took a laxative and drank a Red Bull. Sitting on the toilet waiting for launch!

   If you've never held your baby in the air while your wife tries to squirt breastmilk in its mouth from across the room then you're a failure as a parent..

   I dont need anger management classes. You need STFU classes

   This years NBA season so far has been the best one I can ever remember

   As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

   Mom, I'm 16 now. Can I have a Bra? ...No, Justin.

   Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

   The chicken never actuall crossed the road... it was a government conspiracy to distract us from the real problem at hand... Where the hell is Waldo?

   thinks chicken patties are just really big chicken nuggets...

   faking your birthday on facebook = finding out real friends

   gonna head to the freezer to warm up a bit

   February. It's not a leap year, but feel free to take a flying one anyway.

   the middle class does not exist. If you believe you are part of the middle class, it just means you're rich and insecure or poor and misinformed.

   Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

   It's better to give than to receive... especially in prison.

   Dear God, I know you wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle, but right now, I wish you didn't trust me so much...

   "America has no greater friend than Great Britain" ~ George Bush

   Jeeze! You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore! FML!

   i write like this and not "lYk DiS" because I'm an adult and I'm not retarded

   If I call you and you don't answer, I will sing on your voicemail.