Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

   BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake account mocking the oil company. Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that's ruining the ocean.

   If you can get one person to smile then your day was worth while.............

   If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don't live longer, just seems longer.

   pretty sure I can beat just about anyone up, I've seen the karate kid atleast 30 times

   Remember when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bi**h slap them!

   Sometimes I hear music so bad that I think the government should also enforce a five-day waiting period for buying a guitar.

   I see ur playing hard to get, now watch me play walk away.

   making my own four loko in a blender: a bottle of vodka, 4 red bulls, a bottle of cherry nyquil and a McRib. I'll be in the bathroom if you need me.

   Reasons why Alcohol should be served at work...its an incentive to show up

   We can forgive Ireland's $70 billion debt. But we must never forgive them for Riverdance.

   I don't take compliments well. Or criticism. You know what, just don't talk to me.

   Why can we develop silencers for handguns but not vacuums?

   The best feeling i've ever had is making someone laugh after crying

   feels like a Fruit Loop trapped in a box of Cheerios...

   very temperamental - 50% temper and 50% mental.

   I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.

   God Bless the Chilian miners and there familes for going through tough times!!

   The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

   Whenever I hear a woman say, "I dont need a man" ...all I hear is, "I cant get a man"