Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Grant me the opiates to accept the things I cannot change, the stimulants to change the things I can + the mixture to know the difference.

   Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner Me: sorry, I didn't realize we were having dinner in my room.

   Facebook keeps asking me, "What's on your mind?", it's like dating someone with low self-esteem.

   You can tell you're a real John Wayne kind of man when it doesn't even matter what color bendy straw you use in your chocolate milk.

   I wouldn't say I'm an alcoholic. I'd slur it.

   Girls love shoes... so if she throws one at you, you know she's really pissed off.

   How quick she mentions her husband/fiancé/boyfriend is directly related to how creeped out she is by you.

   I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with a baseball bat.

   Hey Facebook, I really don't care that a friend of mine commented on someone else's status or photo.

   Anyone know where I could find a bunch of "Glad You Aren't Here" postcards to send out when I go on my vacation in a few weeks? I'll need about 50 of them.

   It doesn't matter what it is. It's automatically cool if it Glows in the dark.

   My Dad: People overcome adversity all the time son... Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

   CNN Just announced that Hillary won the next Debate.

   Just in: Clinton is now LEADING in polls in important battleground states, such as Qatar, Iraq, Iran, and Syria And hopefully soon... San Quentin.

   Here's a Christmas Idea for yas... Cheech and Chong advent calendars with 1 gram of different weed a day .

   I work 2 jobs so my family won't be homeless. Ironically with all the extra shifts I'm home less.

   Apparently the Washington Monument has been damaged. MSNBC says the Washington monument is leaning to left. Fox news says its to the right.

   This girl got all pissed off just because I was reading the back of her pants... so what if I was trying to read it in braille

   Why does every Nickelodeon and Disney actor/actress have to be given a Record Deal? Just because they can act, doesn't mean they can SING.

   I study Jiu-Jitsu and Karate but if they ever start teaching classes in Mad Black Lady, I'm forsaking both and signing up.