Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I'm like, "Nope. I'm good."

   Fish don't seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.

   What's the acceptable amount of days for someone to say, "Happy New Year!" before you're allowed to punch them in the face for abusing the line?

   Can't Brad and Angelina just adopt North Korea?

   love screwing with the minds of the foreign telemarketers "Oh my name is Perry, like Terry but with a P as in Pterodactyl."

   Punxsutawney Phil did not see Manti Te'o's girlfriend either today.

   I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don't understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.

   Listen lady, if you stop screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.

   My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

   October is breast cancer awareness month. So I stare, ladies.... cuz I care

   blames everyone for his problems."Except Shaggy, because we all know it wasn't him".

   Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty butt elsewhere.

   X says The royal baby has been named George Alexander Louis? They must watch a lot of Seinfeld reruns.

   Dentist: "If it hurts, just imagine yourself on tropical isle lying under a palm tree." Dentist: "Does that help?" Me: "Yeah, except every 2 seconds a coconut falls and hits me in the mouth."

   Sometimes I just want to slap the stupid out of people, but I'm worried it'd take up my entire day

   The view of your Bedroom is perfect from this tree!

   I'm one of those guys who can eat whatever I want and not get pregnant.

   Just came from the Library and asked the librarian Do you have any books on ''How to find a job'' she muttered Most likely in the ''Fantasy Section!''

   Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.

   You know that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other guy has nothing to rap about? That's basically my only plan in life.