Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   regrets to inform you that due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

   I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

   lmaoshmsfoaidmt = laughing my ass off so hard my sombrero fell off and I dropped my taco

   If you get a booty call at 3AM.…. You probably weren't first on the list.

   If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least 4 hours.

   Tomorrow Facebook will change its settings to allow zombies to come into your house while you sleep & eat your brains with a sharpened spoon. To stop this from happening go to Accounts/Home Invasion Settings/Cannibalism/Brains & un-check the "Tasty" box.

    Ugly people: Don't play hard to get, you're already hard to want.

   Mummy I'm 16, Can I wear a bra? ..... No Justin.

   i renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

   my 7 year old is all "F*ck homework!" and I'm all "I didn't adopt an Asian baby for you to suck at school!"

   i compare my last relationship to Forrest Gump and Jenny. I was retarded and she was a w*ore...

   I buy all my guns from a dude named T-Rex........... Yeah He's a,,, small arms dealer

   How are girls hard to understand? We like Taco Bell, Starbucks, cuddling, compliments, naps, disney movies, yoga pants,and shopping

   Thank god I have Facebook to know that Christmas Eve is tomorrow and that people are going Christmas shopping and that Christmas is Sunday.

   WHAT MAKES A GIRL GO "MMMMMMMMM"?............DUCT TAPE

   My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.

   If today were a fish, I'd throw it back.

   Those cheap-ass pencils with erasers that fu*k up the paper more than the mistake you want to erase.

   If you leave your phone unattended around me there is a good chance I will send a text to all of your contacts that says "I have recently turned gay."

   Pepperidge Farms bread is fancy stuff. It's wrapped twice. So when you open it, it's still not open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need that extra step between me and toast!