Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here's a question...Why do girls take pictures together in the bathroom when they go out? I cant recall a single time my buddys and I have posed up for a photo in the john...does it smell like picture time or what??

   I don't have an attitude problem. I have an attitude that you have a problem with. Therefore, I just have an attitude!

   When the public restroom is out of paper towels, I slap strangers on the back and tell them "good game" until my hands are dry.

   It really sucked having to waddle across the room to get a fresh roll of toilet paper with my pants around my ankles......and I don't think the shoppers at Target were very happy about it either!

   My auto-correct has the education of a free year old.

   LIKE if you text someone a paragraph and then 30 minutes later you get a lame reply saying “LOL”.

   I opened up Microsoft Word, sneezed all over my keyboard, I accidently made a Honey Boo Boo reality show script.

   I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, "Man, you're such a Cheetah!" and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.

   I think abs are for guys that don't have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

   Dressed my snowman up as a security guard, and then I put him out in front of a snow bank.

   I'm not saying Putin is humiliating president Obama but the last time a Russian treated an African American this way, Apollo Creed died...

   Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I'm married to her and I don't even have a chance.

   I'm so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.

   I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you.

   People who say they are "comfortable in their own skin," scare me because I wonder how they know what it's like to wear someone else's skin

   Looks like Southwest Airlines needs to install a GPS Tomtom in the planes so their pilots don't get lost.

   Anything I say or do before i've had my coffee doesn't count.

   Vasaline is the key to having sex with your spouse after having children... *Just stick that stuff on the outside of the doorknob and the kids can't turn the knob to get in.

   You dug the hole you're in... now stop whining and start climbing.

   You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever" !