Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dad carries pictures of me and my brother where his money used to be.

   Ive learned one thing from watching zombie movies. Rednecks will survive

   Relationships should be like flying... You should only be allowed one carry-on and all other baggage should be checked at the door...

   I keep trying to find love on all the wrong websites.

   When my brother ran away, we moved his stick figure to the other side of the minivan's back window.

   the Pope just changed his relationship status to It's Complicated...

   I will put a comma wherever I want. If I pause,,,, you pause

   I've decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent....

   My “we had to walk 5 miles uphill in the snow just to get to school” story will be about taking 4 hours to download an mp3 with a 28k modem in 1995.

   Confidence, arrogance, ignorance. These are all close cousins, beware.

   The first rule of relationships: You don’t find out why someone was available until it’s too late.

   If a Prius is your getaway car, I am afraid you're going to jail.

   If your wife is "rewarding" you with sex when you're good, you really need to work harder at getting her to view sex as her own reward.

   I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.

   So when a woman says "I'm fine" am I supposed to buy flowers, chocolates or both?

   Today I am thankful for the 5th dentist who overcame extreme prejudice by defiantly standing against the other 4 dentists and chose NOT to recommend sugarless gum for his patients who chewed gum.

   If my dog could talk, I think he'd say, "I don't appreciate it when you tell me that there's a squirrel outside, when there clearly isn't."

   Every Taylor Swift song sounds like a long drawn out Facebook status

   Excuse me, Santa, but I still haven't received the first "ho" you promised me.

   If you're looking for an excuse to ruin your life, I'm right here.