Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn't know I was pregnant, fat.

   RIP Mrs Kotter

   Looking for pornography? Type literally any letter into my search bar

   FYI: You find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW

   I have never met a US Congressman I didn't find completely honest and extremely intelligent. However I may need to add I have never met a US Congressman.

   Spilled a my redbull on my phone this morning, now my phone wont come out of airplane mode

   It's Friday the 13th. Good thing I'm not superstitious, it's unlucky to be superstitious...

   Nothing turns a close knit family into a bunch of cage fighters like the question of "Who wants to lick the spoon of cake batter?"... 

   To the person who just mass messaged me that heart felt "Merry Christmas" text, I thought you should know everyone says "Thanks". ..All 115 of them.

   I'm "when wrestling was the WWF, not WWE" years old.

   I went to a pool party in 1998 with the time listed as 5-? on the invitation. I'm still here. Wrap it up guys there's so much I haven't done

   ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool.

   If you own a dog that can fit inside a handbag, you don't own a dog ... or even a pet. You own a fashion accessory that sh*ts a lot.

   Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...

   So I was at a bar last night and a waitress screamed "Does anyone know CPR?" I said "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed. Well, everyone except this one guy….

   This whole Gorilla thing makes me wonder what kind of thoughtless ignorant parent tries to raise a child in Ohio?

   Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?

   No, I don't like to wear pants. Or as I call them, leg prisons.

   I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.

   The great tragedy of the cactus is that their arms are always open, eagerly anticipating the hug that will never come.