Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Studies conclude that labs cause cancer in rats.

   Don't fall in love. Fall into a fire. Its less painful.

   Mistakes are very fond of me.

   I just sneezed and farted simultaneously while peeing, I think I saw god.

   Why can't we just have Shark Month and Black History Week?

   This girl I know has a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean.

   Ladies, if you love a man, set him free. If he comes back he will be yours forever. If he doesn't, the new chick probably does anil.

   Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake.

   When meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time it's hard not to think to yourself... "I've licked your daughter's nipples."

   in a relationship with Jack Daniel's.

   Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman

   If your relationship status says, "It's complicated", you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "single"

   16 and pregnant? What about 18 and graduated ? 22 and successful?

   My Valentines Date was arrested for biting her self and pushing her self down a flight of stairs... :( I need a replacement. :\

   Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.

   Don't you dare come back running to me when you get treated the exact same way you treated me.

   Whenever I need a quiet night at my house I just tell all my friends that I'm moving and need them to come over and help.

   I hate people who speak for other people, and so do you.

   Guess who just discovered the bipolar emoticon? :):

   Wow, as it turns out you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sending a big SORRY out to that lady at the Waffle House from this morning. I was just trying to help!