Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're single and you know it hug your cat!

   Did you hear the bad news about about Lil Wayne? He's ok.

   I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it's two boobs.

   Accidentally dropping a full bottle of vodka on the ground really destroys your spirit.

   If anything ever happens to me, this family is in trouble. Apparently I'm the only one around here who has the recipe for ice cubes and knows where the dishwasher is located. The remote control is safe, though.

   I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him.

   ever wonder if the mcDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?

   Gang-related violence in my office is up 25% since this meeting started.

   My wife looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped wearing them.

   I spent $100 at the grocery store and there still isn't anything to eat in my house

   If you're on the treadmill next to me, the answer is “Yes. We are racing.”

   Just because you're offended doesn't mean you're right

   I have no idea what anyone means when they describe the weather as 'crisp'. If you're going to use the word 'crisp', you really should be talking about bacon.

   To avoid condom related accident, use 2 condoms with chili powder in btwn them, if outer breaks she'll know & if inner one breaks U'll know!

   Ahh good ole, Facebook mobile. Or as I like to call it, "WALK-N-STALK".

   I like how after the dental hygienist rapes my gums with a sharp ass needle the dentist complains how my gums look a little swollen.

   Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke

   A pair of lovin couple went to a hotel one night. After finishin their ''business'', suddenly the guy saw a photo in his gf's wallet. ''Is that ur ex my dear? tell me pls cuz I don't mind about ur past'' ''Really? Good! that was me before the surgery(:

   I let my fists do the talking. And by fists I mean mouth. And by talking I mean sandwich eating.

   I wonder if James Franco is the first Oscar host to ever host the entire ceremony high as a kite.