Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If anything ever happens to me, this family is in trouble. Apparently I'm the only one around here who has the recipe for ice cubes and knows where the dishwasher is located. The remote control is safe, though.

   I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him.

   They say alcohol kills people. Lets not forget how many people were born because of it.

   At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.

   You can keep retaking all the photos you want but that's just what your face really looks like

   Booze is cheaper than therapy, and it doesn't keep asking, “and how did that make you feel?”

   Let's get this out of the way now. Next Wednesday, the date will be 12-12-12. Happy? zzzzzzzzzzzzz

   What good is a safe word if your mouth is full?

   B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.

   The sex was great, but I faked the cuddle.

   Being offended is a personal decision that you can choose not to make. The ones who are offended by things are attention-seeking drama queens.

   I'm going on a vodka diet. Apparently you can lose 3 days in one week...

   To avoid condom related accident, use 2 condoms with chili powder in btwn them, if outer breaks she'll know & if inner one breaks U'll know!

   Ahh good ole, Facebook mobile. Or as I like to call it, "WALK-N-STALK".

   I like how after the dental hygienist rapes my gums with a sharp ass needle the dentist complains how my gums look a little swollen.

   Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke

   A pair of lovin couple went to a hotel one night. After finishin their ''business'', suddenly the guy saw a photo in his gf's wallet. ''Is that ur ex my dear? tell me pls cuz I don't mind about ur past'' ''Really? Good! that was me before the surgery(:

   I let my fists do the talking. And by fists I mean mouth. And by talking I mean sandwich eating.

   I wonder if James Franco is the first Oscar host to ever host the entire ceremony high as a kite.

   thinks you should always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.