Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If anything ever happens to me, this family is in trouble. Apparently I'm the only one around here who has the recipe for ice cubes and knows where the dishwasher is located. The remote control is safe, though.
←Rate | 06-10-2013 13:06 by minnie haha Comments (0)  


   messageicon I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him.
←Rate | 06-13-2013 09:11 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon They say alcohol kills people. Lets not forget how many people were born because of it.
←Rate | 10-29-2012 17:16 by Reznor Comments (0)  


   messageicon At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.
←Rate | 11-09-2012 22:39 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can keep retaking all the photos you want but that's just what your face really looks like
←Rate | 11-09-2012 22:50 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon Booze is cheaper than therapy, and it doesn't keep asking, “and how did that make you feel?”
←Rate | 11-14-2012 13:21 by Czovczov Comments (0)  


   messageicon Let's get this out of the way now. Next Wednesday, the date will be 12-12-12. Happy? zzzzzzzzzzzzz
←Rate | 12-03-2012 10:03 by Boo Hiss! Comments (1)  


   messageicon What good is a safe word if your mouth is full?
←Rate | 12-13-2012 12:54 by Czovczov Comments (0)  


   messageicon B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.
←Rate | 01-11-2013 13:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The sex was great, but I faked the cuddle.
←Rate | 01-17-2013 04:51 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  


   messageicon Being offended is a personal decision that you can choose not to make. The ones who are offended by things are attention-seeking drama queens.
←Rate | 01-25-2013 07:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm going on a vodka diet. Apparently you can lose 3 days in one week...
←Rate | 02-01-2013 10:51 by JEBI Comments (0)  


   messageicon To avoid condom related accident, use 2 condoms with chili powder in btwn them, if outer breaks she'll know & if inner one breaks U'll know!
←Rate | 09-26-2011 06:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ahh good ole, Facebook mobile. Or as I like to call it, "WALK-N-STALK".
←Rate | 10-11-2011 16:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I like how after the dental hygienist rapes my gums with a sharp ass needle the dentist complains how my gums look a little swollen.
←Rate | 10-11-2011 22:19 by eaglet1122 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke
←Rate | 04-13-2011 21:54 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon A pair of lovin couple went to a hotel one night. After finishin their ''business'', suddenly the guy saw a photo in his gf's wallet. ''Is that ur ex my dear? tell me pls cuz I don't mind about ur past'' ''Really? Good! that was me before the surgery(:
←Rate | 05-06-2011 20:37 by Nitekrawler Comments (0)  


   messageicon I let my fists do the talking. And by fists I mean mouth. And by talking I mean sandwich eating.
←Rate | 02-23-2011 08:08 by MyClueIs Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder if James Franco is the first Oscar host to ever host the entire ceremony high as a kite.
←Rate | 02-28-2011 01:21 by abbythief Comments (0)  


   messageicon thinks you should always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.
←Rate | 02-28-2011 12:47 by @The69Sheriff Comments (0)  




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