Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

   If you can wipe it off with a wet towel, it's not beauty.

   I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 18 minutes

   My outgoing message: Hi,, I'm gonna be honest, I screen people I don't want to talk to,,, You can leave a message, but if you heard this,,,,,It's you

   I love driving behind old people. You can get so much done: eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, read a book... write a book, etc.

   Alec Baldwin's narration voice is a symphony of creepy. He makes a floating glacier sound like a pedophile drifting into a playground.

   There's a little "I'm jealous" in every "whatever."

   Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .

   When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change...

   I want to meet the teenage versions of my parents.

   Dear Websites that automatically play loud videos, thanks for trying to get me fired!

   In order to raise my performance at work I've decided to lower the companies standards.

   If Taco Bell really did "Think outside the bun," they would add margaritas to their menus, and replace hot sauce packets with Pepto Bismol.

   My Valentine is just like my pinkie toe; eventually I'm gonna bang it on all the furniture in this house...

   Some of these girls posting "I'm ugly", "fml", "hmu" should just change their status to, “demands attention”. #GEToverYOURSELF

   Want to know who your friends are?...Tell everybody the truth and see who still hangs arounds you afterwards.

   Some folks will spend the weekend having fun and enjoying themselves. We call these people "Single".

   I'm Not Arguing. I'm Simply Explaining Why I'm Right.-Women

   Not entirely sure what a "propriate" is, but apparently I'm in it.

   not been to his Farmville in so long I just found out it was paved and turned into a parking lot...