Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I walk through a metal detector and my buns of steel set them off.

   Don't want to brag or anything but when I was a kid I had 9 planets.

   I can't sleep. There's nothing on TV except the Home Shopping Club, so I called 'em. They answer, "Home Shopping Club!" I said, "Hi." They said, "Can we help you?" I go, "Nah, I'm just looking."

   My mother + my father - condom = COOLEST PERSON ALIVE! :-).

   You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee

   I called a wrong phone number today. I asked, 'Is Joey there?' The woman says 'Yes.' I said, 'May I speak to him please?' She said, 'No, he can't right now, he is only 2 months old. I said, 'All right, I'll wait.'

   Hey you. Yeah you. No, not you... That other guy. You right there! Yes, you.... Do you like tacos?

   ✓ Saddam Hussein, ✓ Osama Bin Laden, ☐ Snookie

   I listed the Federal Government as a dependent on my taxes this year

   Just because no one liked your "funny" status the first time you posted doesn't mean you should post it 6 more times.

   You people do realize that Trump's wife is an immigrant, right? Yes. And she is a LEGAL immigrant.

   I am tired of being judged by my color by people who complain of being judged by theirs

   After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.

   has his popularity validated by the best organizations.... Even the Police consider me a person of interest!

   says, "Dear Santa, I know it's a little early....but could you DEFINE naughty?" ;o)

   Whenever I talk to Americans I get the feeling that they just think of us Canadians as "those-hockey-loving-white-Mexicans".

   This weekends forecast; Mostly drunk, Scattered shots, with a slight chance of falling down.!!

   Turn on radio*: "shine bright like a-" *Turns off radio

   Don't worry, some people are their own punishment in life.

   I don't get why people find drunk texts annoying. You're the person they're thinking of when their brain can't even function properly.