Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body....

   Whenever I think of you, I touch myself. That is, I rub my forehead because you give me a f**king migraine.

   Sometimes taste is not a flavor, and class is not something you attend.

   McDonald's is going through a downward spiral and they can't figure out how to stop it?!? Hello serve breakfast all day...

   If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes

   Winning the NFC East this year is like getting a participation trophy.

   I prefer to describe myself as "delightfully difficult". And it would be easier if you agreed.

   Thank god we don't send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?

   Dear those people who use their cellphones as a personal stereo in public, stop it. Sincerely, Everybody

   "Couples wearing matching outfits is a hate crime".

   Pro tip: "Hold my drink" is not a proper response to "License and registration, please." ...... apparently.

   I lay nude daily in my back yard just in case Google Earth decides to update.

   If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.

   I'm really lucky that I was born on my birthday.

   I think, therefore i'm single.

   They're playing Nicki Minaj at the zoo. Wait nope, just a couple of chimpanzees fighting.

   Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.

   If a woman is crying and you don't understand why - congratulations! you're a man now!!

   Everything this man said to me was a lie. Every.. Thing. Except the part about how pretty I was, that was true.

   China's "one-child per family" policy is being ended -- because not enough babies. Apparently it's so bad over there that some factories are actually hiring adults...