Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?

   I found some dignity. If no one claims it in 24 hours, I'm keeping it.

   The problem with some people is that they’re alive.

   feels sorry for all the hassle Toyota drivers have had to put up with the last few weeks, they deserve a brake...

   that you might as well sleep with me because I'm going to tell all my friends you did anyway.

   "For the record I made women from men before it was cool." - GOD

   Just found out that Oprah is leaving her show after 25 years. I didn't know that! How in the world could I have missed that? Oh ya, I don't give a crap...

   Don't tell me anything about the new Harry Potter film! I still haven't seen the first 6 films.

   Explosion at Boston Marathon blame the bomber. Shooting at school blame the gun?? Idiocracy?

   Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They're always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.

   I'm going to start a business in India, but have the call centers in America. We'll see how they like it

   shouldn't be that hard to convict Bill Cosby now. The proof is in the pudding...

   saw myself naked in the mirror and now my hand isn't in the mood

   I find it extremely ironic that "strap on" is "no parts" spelled backwards.

   Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?

   The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.

   The inventor of the snooze button has died. His funeral will take place tomorrow at 6:00, 6:09, 6:18, 6:27, and 6:36.

   It's Fathers Day 2mmrw... Ladies plz don't start bashing the whole male species! If ya baby daddy ain't sh*t, you picked him!

   so T-Mobile calls me up and asks "what do you want for a cell phone company" ? So I tell him.... A blow up doll that doesn't fart and fly out the window when you bite her neck.......she hung up!..... I guess they didn't REALLY want to know!

   Can you imagine all the wierd stuff that would going on in the world if everyone who was "following their dreams," did so after one of those late night spicy pizza dreams?