Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My vacuum cleaner doesn't suck as much as it used to, it must have gotten married.

   Women- God's version of a Rubik's cube.

   Actions speak louder than Facebook posts...

   They let an Asian drive the plane?

   We don't have to have sex, let's just see if it fits.

   If she posts 7 new selfies a day, Regardless of how hot she is, Let it go bud. You'll never give the amount of attention required. Science.

   A lot of people don't realize that Shania Twain's father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

   What's the difference between a woman's argument and a knife? A knife has a point.

   Onions are no longer the only food that can make you tearful. Please add frozen pork roasts that fall out of the freezer onto your toes to the list.

   Correction: If your boyfriend answers your text while playing mw2, he doesn't love you. He just died.

   Facebook has stopped suggesting friends for me. I guess they finally realized I dont need to be friends with someone I saw that one time.

   I like really dark movie theatres. That way, I don't have to buy my own popcorn.

   I respect you so much I salute you with 1 finger!

   I don't call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.

   If Charlie Brown comes to your house trick or treating this Sunday, please give that kid some candy. That poor kid has been getting just rocks since 1966!

   So...I met this really nice girl at closing time last night. Granted, she's missing both her front teeth but Christmas is coming, right?!? I think it can work...

   Women want a fairytale romance. Men Just want a happy ending...

   Ever notice how your dream girl often turns into your nightmare?

   Maytag just recalled 1.7 million dishwashers. This immigration issue is really getting out of hand.

   "hey, isn't smoking weed illegal?" replies, "Hey aren't half the songs on your iPod stolen?"