Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We don't have to have sex, let's just see if it fits.

   If she posts 7 new selfies a day, Regardless of how hot she is, Let it go bud. You'll never give the amount of attention required. Science.

   A lot of people don't realize that Shania Twain's father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

   What's the difference between a woman's argument and a knife? A knife has a point.

   Onions are no longer the only food that can make you tearful. Please add frozen pork roasts that fall out of the freezer onto your toes to the list.

   never get into a fist fight with an ugly person, they have nothing to lose

   Its better to have a long distance relationship as phone calls are cheaper than fuel prices

   instead of "lol", try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol"... laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud.

   What if they read a list of everything youve ever typed into Google before entering Heaven..

   Twitter was invented to teach women how to communicate silently in 140 characters or less.

   you ever had that one friend that you don't like to eat with, cause they chew their food like their mad at it?!?

   Starting a petition for Charlie Sheen and Whitney Houston to co-host the Oscars next year. What a delicious treat that would be.

   Just a kind thought to all those born on February 29th: You've only got 1 year left to plan your birthday party :D

   Somalia Pirates are at it again...what is this the 1600's? kill those bastrads.

   Wouldn't it stink if there were thousands of other planets that had life, and we on Earth were the ONLY ones who didn't know? And we were the butt of aliens' jokes, i.e. "You're stupid as an Earthling."

   Turned my brain off for the weekend and now I can't stop coming up with ideas for Adam Sandler movies.

   Sometimes, I throw clean clothes in the hamper because I'm too lazy to fold them.

   it just me or does anybody else find it weird that the Mets took out a $40 million dollar loan from Bank of America. Considering that they play at Citi Field????

   In other news, we don't give a damn Dave!

   Ladies: Your face is not a coloring book, so please go easy on the makeup.