Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tried to make a list of goals today, but it got kind of sad after the first 12 all ended with "and then get some Dairy Queen."

   Remember: no matter how bad your situation and how hopeless you feel there is always someone doing way better than you

   They just put in a ban of trick or treaters 25 years of age or older... looks like my halloween plans are now changing

   Most fairy tales start with,"Once upon a time",my story starts with,"you ain't gonna believe this crap!"

   of course I would never call you a c*nt.....you lack the depth and warmth.

   We're all just nudists in disguise...

   Does any1 else find it wierd that in the movie "twilight new moon" there are 4 boys running around in the woods shirtless together?!

   Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

   I just read this in a news story: “Williams' body was found stuffed in a bag in the bathroom of his apartment with no obvious signs of foul play.” Um, isn't his body being in a bag in the bathroom a pretty good indicator that something went wrong?

   Someone once said to me "You use to be normal.." I looked behind me and said "Who the hell are you talking to?"

   Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark

   If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I f*ckin will!!

   got a phone call from the credit card company this morning, telling me that I have "outstanding payments". I said "Why, thank you very much!".

   [This comment has been removed due to explicit sexual content]

   Sex is for two things: making babies and revenge.

   wondering if anybody ever won the lottery playing the lucky numbers in fortune cookies

   Don't approach a goat from the front, a horse from the back, or a schizophrenic from behind a mirror.

   not saying that "The Who" are old, but half of the people watching the superbowl last night were wondering "Who are those guys playing the CSI theme song?"

   thinks that marriage should be like football; you must show up fully committed and prepared and score every opportunity you get!

   From now on I will be doing my laundry while nude. This way when I'm done, I will truly be finished washing all of my clothes.