Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No Calls ? I Understand . No Text ? I Understand , But When You See Me With Someone Else Please Understand .

   Halloween = Candy, Thanksgiving = Food, Christmas = Gifts, New Years = Drinks, Valentines = Sex, Birthdays = ALL OF THE ABOVE

   They're not "Used Cars" anymore, they're "Pre-owned" I suggest "Divorce" be changed to "Pre-Loved"

   just finished eating some generic frosted flakes, they're allllllllright, I guess

   Error 4:04 A.M. no sleep available

   I bet George Washington never imagined he'd be the number one cause of lapdances.

   Should I still call a DR if I have a have an erection for more then 4 hrs but I have not taken anything???

   heard Charlie Sheen's pissed now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the front runner for "Schmuck Of The Year" award!

   "Thor" is the #1 movie -- proving there's nothing Americans love watching more than an immigrant who's good with a hammer.

   Thanks Sesame Street for telling us Bert & Ernie are not gay, but I'd like to hear it directly from Bert & Ernie.

   When you stretch and your inner porn star moan comes out by accident.

   Why do they thank me in the cafeteria when I pay for my food like I had a choice? Just tell me "enjoy the diarrhea" and I'll move along.

   So this "Planking" thing... laying face down on various objects... I've been doing that forever. I call it "Sleeping" though.

   Liars always think that no one is telling the truth.

   My cup of care \_/ ... ooh look... it's empty..

   Dallas Morning News reports that Tony Romo is on a liquid diet to prevent choking.

   Word of the Day: Eskihoe - A girl that wears UGG boots and a miniskirt at the same time.

   women say they like tall men but I'm probably at least 6'4 in these stilettos and not a single girl in this bar has approached me yet :(

   Thank God America won the Revolutionary War or we'd all be speaking English right now.

   Do race horses really pee more than the regular kind?