Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Michael Jackson's bodyguards are now saying; "if Michael Jackson were alive, there is NO WAY he would want Dr Murray on trial." DUH if Michael Jackson was alive, Dr Murray WOULDN'T be on trial now would he? Well played bodyguards, well played.

   You act like I was drinking alone...but I had the entire Verizon network with me

   Not saying I'm hot but I just set off the smoke alarm in my house. Okay, I burned lunch. Whatever.

   No Calls ? I Understand . No Text ? I Understand , But When You See Me With Someone Else Please Understand .

   Halloween = Candy, Thanksgiving = Food, Christmas = Gifts, New Years = Drinks, Valentines = Sex, Birthdays = ALL OF THE ABOVE

   They're not "Used Cars" anymore, they're "Pre-owned" I suggest "Divorce" be changed to "Pre-Loved"

   just finished eating some generic frosted flakes, they're allllllllright, I guess

   Error 4:04 A.M. no sleep available

   I bet George Washington never imagined he'd be the number one cause of lapdances.

   Should I still call a DR if I have a have an erection for more then 4 hrs but I have not taken anything???

   heard Charlie Sheen's pissed now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the front runner for "Schmuck Of The Year" award!

   "Thor" is the #1 movie -- proving there's nothing Americans love watching more than an immigrant who's good with a hammer.

   Thanks Sesame Street for telling us Bert & Ernie are not gay, but I'd like to hear it directly from Bert & Ernie.

   When you stretch and your inner porn star moan comes out by accident.

   Why do they thank me in the cafeteria when I pay for my food like I had a choice? Just tell me "enjoy the diarrhea" and I'll move along.

   So this "Planking" thing... laying face down on various objects... I've been doing that forever. I call it "Sleeping" though.

   Liars always think that no one is telling the truth.

   My cup of care \_/ ... ooh look... it's empty..

   Dallas Morning News reports that Tony Romo is on a liquid diet to prevent choking.

   Word of the Day: Eskihoe - A girl that wears UGG boots and a miniskirt at the same time.