Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you've already hit puberty & feel the need to wear a tiara for your birthday, I hope none of your dreams come true princess.

   Wipe your mouth. There's still a tiny bit of bullsh*t around your lips.

   One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.

   Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

   My five year old son was getting out of the shower and with a puzzled look asked, dad what are these for? Being caught a little off guard, I replied... Balance...

   considering switching his Facebook account to Spanish language settings so that he can have a "me gusta" button.

   I've perfected the confused look for when my credit card's declined.

   The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun

   So I made up a new word: Ask-hole; someone who constantly asks for your advise then does the opposite of what you told them.

   Stock tip: Buy Frito-Lay, Little Debbie and any other snack food stock... The people in Colorado and Washington State are going to be getting the munchies.

   Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.

   Why is it that BLM only protest when a black person is killed by a cop. Why are they not protesting in Chicago where 200 black kids are killed by 200 other black kids every day?

   Neil Young: So woke that he canceled himself.

   I feel like if people wanted Clinton to come out and address every major event in the country, they probably should have elected her?

   Teeth are always in style!

   The memories of all the naughty things I've done in my lifetime will always bring a smile to my face.

   My kids outgoing voicemail message says,," I'm sorry I won't come to the phone right now. It's 2012. LEARN TO TEXT."

   A good way to breakup with your girlfriend is to introduce her as your ex girlfriend at parties. It softens the blow.

   I only use medical marijuana to treat PMS symptoms. It really helps me forget how much of a b!tch my girlfriend is being.

   Roman numerals. What are they good IV?