Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Memorial Day to all. Even the 90% of Americans who don't know the difference between today and Veteran's day.

   Pro tip:When women want to be held, hold em When they're sad, love em When they're drunk, try for butthole. It's easier when they're drunk

   Bruce Jenner was a man for the past 65 years and didn't have one car accident... all of the sudden he turns into a woman and he can't drive anymore and kills someone. I'm not saying women can't drive... but... just saying

   Muhammad Ali in 1974: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee Floyd Mayweather in 2015: Run like a chicken, hug like a bear

   it appropriate for a receptionist at a sperm clinic to tell their clients "thanks for coming" as they leave?

   Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.

   Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?

   Driving a Prius shows women that you are socially responsible, environmentally conscious, and will be completely unable to make them cum.

   Trojan just released a new camoflauge condom. Their slogan is, "She'll never see you coming!"

   Dear Santa , before I try to explain . Just how much do you aleady know .

   When in doubt, whip it out..

   Have you ever wanted to punch someone in the face so bad that you were willing to fight their whole family??

   cancelling Mondays due to lack of interest!!!

   I'm playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can't get off the couch or I'll die

   Wow, I have a lot of people named "Do Not Answer" in my phone...

   sorry 2009 but I'm going to have to file a restraining order on you. You're going to have to stay at least 365 days away from me. You caused to many problems.

   Ran out of bubbles for her bath so she had to make her own.

   If you've already hit puberty & feel the need to wear a tiara for your birthday, I hope none of your dreams come true princess.

   considering switching his Facebook account to Spanish language settings so that he can have a "me gusta" button.

   Wipe your mouth. There's still a tiny bit of bullsh*t around your lips.