Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The reason I'm single? She wouldn't marry me when I was drinking and I wouldn't marry her when I was sober.

   Just watched Silence of the Lambs again.Buffalo Bill, now there was a man that was comfortable in his own skin..........and yours.

   thinks the only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo, is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

   GOVERMENT: The subtle name given to a large mafia, taking protection money and a good per...centage of your paycheck just for living on their turf.

   I just googled the word ''anagram'' and it said, ''Did you mean: nag a ram?'' Well played, Google. Well played.

   There's nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change

   So I guess changing my profile picture to Herbert from Family Guy wouldn't be appropriate this week.

   Dear suicidal insects on my windshield: Stop it, I can't see.

   "Listen: I'm a mature person and you're a mature person, so why don't we just skip all the bs, get rid of our inhibitions, and DO what we really wanna DO? "

   Twilight: The story of a young girls struggle between necrophilia and beastiality.

   It's so cute how you think I'm listening.

   Why were the police ever issued with pepper sprays? Surely this will lead to the creation of more seasoned criminals.

   knows where all the purses are!

   Mondays aren't so bad...it's my job that sucks.

   I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy D!ck are the same person..

   NBA Wives is a better name than "The Ex-wives and ex-girlfriends of ex-Miami Heat players that weren't really that good except for maybe Shaq...

   Just when the mind found the answers, the heart changed the question...

   Bumper stickers I'd like to give out: I BRAKE FOR NO REASON / MY OTHER SIGNAL IS OFF / HONK IF YOU HATE WAITING AT GREEN LIGHTS

   If your father is a poor man, it is your fate, but if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity. :)

   gonna by my kid a pack of batteries with a note that says toy not included.