Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.

   Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: "skeletal remains," "dumpster," "almost beyond recognition," "dental records" and "shallow grave."

   Before Facebook and online dating, I seriously don't think I've ever seen a picture of a person in their bathroom.

   Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

   Why do camels have v@ginas on their feet anyway?

   I like hitting stuff to make it work. Makes me feel like the Fonz.

   Well, I'm bored again. Time to open the fridge.

   They need to make an app that shows you what your name is saved as in other people's phone.

   Kids these days, Will never know what it feels like to push a VHS tape into a VCR.

   i have 2 sisters,one 14 and the other 6. the 14 year old was arguing with the 6 year old and said" SANTA ISN'T REAL!" without blinking,the 6 year old said"neither is edward cullen!" I don't wanna be mean so i'll say this,one ran away crying.

   its time to shuffle the deck and throw out all the jokers.

   Throwing breadcrumbs is the duck equivalent of making it rain.

   My son came home from school and told my wife he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? He says, "I play the part of the husband." My wife says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

   i like to keep a bag of hair in my car, it distracts them from the drug search

   Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.

   If it were the other way around I don't think a cat would take in 60 old people.

   Did we give a Nobel Prize to the guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon?

   I love my relationship with my bed. No commitment. We just sleep together every night and wake up together every morning.

   I wish I was a gloworm,,, a gloworm's never glum,,, cos how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out your bum

   It is a tradition in my family to put a one hundred dollar bill in a plastic Easter egg and hide it along with all the other eggs. I have collected the reward for 15 years in a row, also this is how long I have been designated the "hider."