Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish the camera would add ten pounds to my bank account

   The amount of paper towel I use to squash and discard a bug is directly related to whether or not I know what kind of bug it is

   Have you ever wondered why you can always read your doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription?

   I dream in High Definition.

   I'm giving up on the silent treatment. Going to start talking to myself again.

   Everyone talking about Pelosi ripping up Trump's speech, but we've all done questionable things when we were that drunk...

   If you're upset with a 200 year old statute and not the 70 murders in the US last weekend, you need to refocus your anger...

   I may be old but I got to see all the cool bands

   My panties are so wet right now! Granted they are in the washing machine, but still.

   It must be awkward when GPS navigation tells gay people to go straight.

   The worst kind of human contact is "eye contact through that crack in a bathroom stall when you're pulling up your pants" contact.

   I had three women making me a sandwich this morning. I felt like a pimp. Thats why I like Subway.

   thanks to all of my fb friends, for without them, I would never know when the work week ends.

   if guns kill people, then spoons make people overweight...

   Parents call it "Back Talk" we call it "explaining why their wrong"....

   Life sucks... Wife won't......

   I Don't Care what anybody says, Nothing says I Love you more like standing in line for you're girl to buy tampax pearl."

   a straight white male walks into a bar. He is chastised because every problem in the world is his fault.

   if the Cowboys are "America's Team," we might as well just learn to like soccer.

   My ex-girfriend has a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh... if you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean!