Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ok, I'm gettin' friend requests from Heathcliffe & Sponge Bob, Cinderella, the Smurfs & Donald Duck talkin bout gettin f&*ked up tonight .. Somethings wrong with this picture

   i am so tired of not being able to swear in my statuses since my family got facebook. So f&ck it. Sorry grandma.

   My 4 year old son is running around saying "Yippie-Kay-Yay" and it's taking everything I've got to keep from yelling "Mother-Fucker!" Yeah, I think I may seen "Die Hard" too many times.

   Maybe Adam should have spent more than just a rib......Just saying...

   I guess it's time to go grocery shopping. A mouse hung itself in our fridge and left a note 'Can't live like this'

   the chick on my GPS told me she wants to see other cars

   thinking up new and creative ways to kill zombies.

   I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos

   Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked "do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "what do you need?"

   Newton's 3rd Law of Emotion: For every male action, there is a female overreaction

   What if Earth is just the insane asylum for the universe?

   Harlem Shake is just an excuse to go full retard for 30 seconds.

   The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.

   Facebook should have an automatic detection service that as soon as someone posts something regarding the gym or healthy eating, then they immediately get rewarded with a medal that they are obviously after.

   I donated blood today. Now I can be secure in the knowledge that somewhere, some fortunate person will wake up from an operation with the sudden ability to dance badly, sing off key loudly, and giggle a lot as they walk into things. And a hangover.

   My New Year's resolution is to take up a new hobby: Jogging. Hopefully that doesn't interfere with my other hobby, which is Lying.

   My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.

   How can this cop expect me to show him my license when he took it away last month? What an Idiot.

   I do have a life outside of Facebook, but I don't remember the password for it.

   It's really only a matter of time before Lady Gaga gets Justin Beiber pregnant.