Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i think casinos should add a russian roulette table for those who jus lost everything

   Anyone can air guitar. It takes a true artist to air tambourine.

   Was just at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

   Why do ladies spend so much anger on The Other Woman? They should really be more infuriated with their cheating lover.

   Those crazy five seconds when you stand up too fast and you go blind or get extremely dizzy

   Serving Size: Serves six adults or one ten year old.

   A Christian right wing pastor named Mark Driscoll said masturbation is a form of homosexuality, so apparently I'm not just a homosexual, but I am a ridiculously promiscuous flaming homosexual. 30+ years and I had no idea.

   I'm calling into work sick-of-this-sh!t.

   When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. I've learned from experience that if they're open, pepper spray gets into them.

   On the off chance I'm captured by cannibals, I've got a 'Best if eaten by 1975' tattoo on my neck.

   I used to be addicted to soap,,,,,but I'm clean now

   Once upon a time the hardest decision we had to make was to choose our favorite color in a crayon box...

   The awesome moment when you're telling a lie and your best friend notices and joins you

   in just 9 months we will be witness to a population boom known as Shades of Grey Babies

   I vote we bring 80's music back and forget how to Dougie!!

   Ladies; When a guy says he "just wants to be friends" he means with your v@gina.

   Back in my day Werewolves didn't fall in love with babies...THEY ATE THEM!!

   Women spend all of their time deciding how to misinterpret everything you say.

   If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn't a balloon

   My mother-in-law is a meteorologist. Well, not a meteorologist, but whatever it is called when you complain about the weather 6 times a day.