Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I relate to your inability to relate to people. Let's talk about hanging out but never follow through.

   Hey, DirecTV? Ummm...now that Viacom is being asses, can we have G4 back? Sincerely, 90% of your customers who DON'T care about the so called MTV showing 16 & Pregnant

   Wal*Mart now offers psychiatric treatment. I got out of there quick. I used the 10 issues or less line.

   Wow, congress isn’t taking the end of “Breaking Bad” very well at all.

   CNN poll: 17% of Americans view North Korea favorably... CBS poll: 9% of Americans approve of Congress.... Hmm

   Why is it that in a movie, the good guy can take on three bad guys and get a hell of a beat down without batting an eye, but in the next scene he will wince when the woman tries to dress his wounds?

   No Nike. I'm tired. You do it. I'll get the next one!

   Some play hard to get, I play hard to want

   BREAKING: PETA releases shock video of tiger, caught by toe, being detained despite hollering.

   Haven't seen a Marilyn Monroe quote in a while. I hope she's okay.

   I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.

   "This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel

   If you matured and made changes in Your life, you made a "180"....not a DAMN "360." A "360" means the same Degree of Stupidity..

   I'm at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage

   The Earth revolves around the Sun at a speed of 18.5 miles/sec and spins on its axis at 1,040 mph. So yeah, I got some exercise today.

   I wish I could run away from my problems like Mayweather did.

   Don’t you wish karma was like pizza and could be delivered in under 30 minutes?

   Just once I wanna see someone climbing Mt Everest with a cigarette hanging out of their mouth.

   How does Kanye West need a billion dollars for ideas? Ben Franklin discovered electricity with a kite.

   My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but believe my days around here are numbered...