Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This password requires one uppercase letter, one number, [at least] one swastika, the blood of your first born and a bird skull.

   Accidentally poured myself a glass of vodka at 9am. Accidentally drank it too. I'm so damn clumsy.

   Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise .... Was Rock Of Ages really that bad?

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

   FYI: Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first..........Geesh

   I used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon.

   Scientists just announced non-smokers live longer than smokers. Also, fire is hot and beer is good…

   I'm right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?

   There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.

   Got high and let my dog drive us up to Taco Bell. Now he's argueing with the officer that the traffic light wasn't red but gray.

   Ladies If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, then you aren't as cute as you think you are

   dear super bowl halftime organizers. You watching the Olympics??

   The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people that there's an empty parking space when it's actually occupied by small cars.

   So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses.

   I hate it when kids think I don't care about whatever the hell they were just talking about.

   Some people you know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.

   I'm not saying it's a bad idea to bring an Ebola patient to Atlanta, I'm saying everyone should leave Atlanta because I've seen this movie....

   Last night my son wanted me to take him to see scary monsters at a haunted house, but I needed beer. We compromised and I took him to Walmart

   Pro tip: DO NOT compliment a girl on her slutty girl Halloween costume until you confirm it's a slutty girl costume...

   Does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won't share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding... I have no clue whose kid this is.