Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it's been since you've had a date?

   Well,,, According to WebMD, this burning is NOT an Eternal Flame.

   I used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I think I should have chosen my words more carefully.

   Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don't get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...

   You can tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.

   I wonder if the lady that takes your drivers license picture at the DMV takes selfies when no one is watching...

   Forget the universe, think of how insignificant you are on Facebook.

   She died doing what she loved! Telling me how to drive.

   If you use a Wal-Mart bathroom there's no need to wash your hands... You're going to die anyway.

   I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.

   Coffee is just a hug for your insides.

   Fred Durst is directing a commercial for the dating site eHarmony. If he doesn't use the slogan "Do It For The Nookie" I will be highly disappointed.

   If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar...

   I accidentally touched my wife's boob and she didn't recoil in disgust so things are looking up.

   I don't mind when others use my gun for target practice...it's always nice to have a second set of finger prints on a gun.

   I get the same feeling at the dentist that I get when a cop car is behind me; I haven't done anything wrong, but I feel incredibly guilty.

   My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.

   Maybe we should let Sandusky loose on Congress

   When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.

   Chris Brown has recently entered Rehab for anger management issues. I for one have faith in Chris. He has never faced anything that he couldn’t beat.