Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sitting at my daughter's pretend restaurant.... The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.

   To all the girls that say Gentlemen don't exist anymore: They do exist but Gentlemen are attracted to Ladies. Not s?uts. Sorry.

   Jared began and ended his career trying to get into smaller pants

   How could there have been 60 shootings and 11 people killed in Chicago over the July 4th weekend when guns are not allowed there?

   "the greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source." – George Washington

   How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? LOL don't be funny, feminists can't change anything.

   It;s so cold outside that by the time I walked back to the car, the footlong I got at Subway shrunk to a 6 inch.

   "OMG I got flowers and chocolate! I should take a picture of them and post it on my Facebook page so everyone can know I got flowers and chocolate!" - Some Silly ho on Facebook.

   As I was watching the Lion King, I thought to myself .... So its ok for a monkey to hold a baby over a ledge, but when Micheal Jackson did it, all of a sudden there was a problem.

   I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took them off. "Take off my shoes" I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties!" I took all them off. Then she looks at me n said, "I dont want to catch you wearin my things ever again!"

   It's 2011, microwaves should have one button that says Cook Shit.

   Here is a episode for mythbusters....once you go black ,do you never go back?

   Today marks a historic date of our country. Happy 4th of July to everyone. The day Will Smith saved us from Aliens.

   -- Is it called a "Wonderbra" because when she takes it off you wonder, where the f**k have her t*ts gone ?......

   Nothing beats a woman with a great voice. Except Chris Brown.

   My landlord just called and said my neighbors just complained about all the loud freaky sex they are hearing from my house... So now I'm on my way to buy some headphones for my laptop...

   My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting drunk.

   Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that low prices attract many customers.

   Wait NAACP: Now you're sayin that " Once you go b!ack,,, you CAN go back?"

   What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Mustang and banged all the cheerleaders? I'm the reason he passed calculus