Funny Status Messages

   I am in the best shape of my life! Thanks poverty.

   So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?

   I still think I'm in my 20s sometimes...until I try to do something like I'm in my 20s.

   I was sober for 11 straight years. Then I turned 12.

   If you tell me you're going to bed and I see you sign into Facebook 10 minutes later... I totally understand.

   at this point in our culture I'm very surprised there aren't people with nut allergies boycotting the peanuts movie

   Could you please put your crying baby on vibrate...?

   Here's the deal... I don't care what state you go to...If you wanna find drugs, just find Martin Luther King Boulevard.

   Failed my Politics exam. The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world." Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.

   ☆:*´¨`*twinkle twinkle little star...point me to the nearest bar ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶*´¨`*:.☆

   Dear slut, Has your right leg ever met your left leg?

   Marriage counseling... because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she's being a bîtch.

   People - the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.

   Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things of high shelves.

   When a cop asks you, "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"

   They want us to think they're backpack leaf blowers but they're actually jetpacks... and THAT'S how they're getting across the border! 

   How about lets move on from the Zimmerman case already?

   "My Uncle Jennifer is going to be on Jerry Springer tomorrow!"

   I saw a poor old lady slip on the ice this morning and knock herself out......I assume she was poor cause she only had 48 cents in her purse!

   If you're not drinking falcon blood out of a boar's skull, .....we don't want to see your tribal tattoo.