Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you're tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."..

   154 U.S. Walmarts are going to close, reducing their total number of open checkout lanes by 6.

   I remember when a minimum wage job was a stepping stone, not a career.

   .... I'm puzzled .... How did America go from being a nation that figured out how to put a man on the moon ... To one that is confused about which bathroom to use?

   It's a shame that we live in a society that praises the pretenders, rewards the liars and promotes the talentless.

   Swine Flu is back? Just when you think something is gone forever it comes back and makes people sick.. Just like Dennis Rodman

   My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses and play scrabble. SCIENCE!

   I'm not sure I buy that, "An apple a day" expression any more. As a matter of fact, I'm completely convinced apples are bad news. Just look at Eve, Snow White, or any pig at a Hawaiian Luau.

   Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, "I thought you were peeing?"

   Want people to not mess with you? Put blue Gatorade in a Windex bottle and walk down the street drinking it.

   Congratulations! You've won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.

   Trouble's brewing at Symphony Hall.. It's the bottom of Beethoven's 9th,,, and the bassists are loaded.

   Getting a face tattoo in college is like majoring in unemployment.

   just asked my son - where would you be without your mother? His answer: "Probably in the middle of traffic, without my jacket on, talking to some stranger."

   In light of recent develops the once popular phrase "Eat Me" has lost popularity!!

   I have a feeling if I was superhero, my name would be Sarcasmo.

   If I've learned anything from listening to world news, it's that the world is full of countries I've never even heard of.

   Dear U.S. Congress and Justice Department. How much body armor for our military troops could have been purchased with the $3 million of taxpayer money wasted on investigating and prosecuting a washed-up old ballplayer? Love, (fill-in your name)

   Saw a hitchhiker holding a sign ‘Anywhere But Here' So I swerved, hit him. Now he's in a ditch. Hope that's ok, he wasn't really specific.

   Well guess its time to do the dishes....... The kids are drinking their milk from shotglasses.