Funny Status Messages

   So I'm in line at Walgreens,,, The lady ahead of me turns around & whispers to me she has diarrhea. Apparently,, I have a "Tell me if you have diarrhea" face..

   I hope the dudes driving the monster trucks with the silver balls hanging from the trailer hitch appreciates me sprinkling glitter and glue on them. Now their two disco balls.

   I went to Wal-Mart to buy shampoo. Spent $150 and forgot the shampoo

   Facebook says we're 'friends' ,but trust me, I wouldn't hesitate to kick you in the teeth.

   RIP Kim Jong Il...and by RIP, I mean Rot in Perdition. May Satan put you in charge of North Hell

   Those Valentine's Day displays at the entrance of every store are like surprise parties for your loneliness.

   Guy gets wife roses. She says "I guess this means you want me on my back w my legs in the air?" He says, "Why, we don't have a Vase?

   What's with all the relationship post?! This ain't Dr.Phil! Be Funny..or Be out!

   Headline: Aussie coast fears rogue shark may have killed 3 people. - Rogue shark? Ok, who's house are you swimming in? That's his domain. Perhaps more accurately the head line should be, Rogue swimmers caught by shark and eaten.

   Alex, I'll take WTF for a $1000

   I have a six figure salary. Unfortunately, all six figures are to the right of the decimal point.

   My iPhone just auto-corrected "I will be home shortly" to "I wish I was single"

   I hope daylight savings time hasn't thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing

   At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

   You can't be ugly and play hard to get... You're already hard to want.

   I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn't right all the time.

   Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.

   Nice try Jehovah's Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.

   I'm pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.

   I think Al Sharpton may just be the most underrated comedian of our time.