Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The heart wants what it wants. To pump blood to the rest of your body. Oh and for you to stop blaming it for your stupid actions.

   Are those Chinese tattoos on your neck the symbols for unemployment?

   HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR, It's the year of the snake !!! I'm still keep accidently writing Dragon on all my checks.

   Be with someone you hide nothing from.

   i pirate so many songs & movies that I should download a boat

   Saying "with all due respect" lends gravitas to the massive pile of disrespect you're about to lay down.

   Mistakes are meant for learning, not repeating!

   if at first you don't succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You'll be amazed of much less you care..

   Lucky for you there seems to be no shortage of people willing to settle for less than they deserve.

   Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

   Who's this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?

   Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

   If I had a dog,, I'd say "I have a bone to pick with you!" And then we'd go to PetSmart to pick a bone,, And we'd laugh & laugh & laugh,,,,,

   My safe word is: You're doing it wrong, you idiot

   Definition of pointless: Jobless people on Facebook updating their status to 'thank God it's the weekend'

   a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school's pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water..... Is that wrong?

   I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot

   I wanna find a girl who loves me for my money, but doesnt understand math.

   Saw these ducks in the park today looking at their reflection in the water practicing their teenage slut face.

   What if random erections are actually ninja handjobs?