Funny Status Messages

   Dear life, is this waking up in the morning thing really necessary?

   If someone tells you their horoscope says they're going to have a good day, it's your duty as a human being to punch them in the throat and prove them wrong.

   Maybe....just maybe if we wait a little longer, a fú¢k fell in my hand, I can give it to you.

   95% of lifes conversations boil down to "If you pretend to care about what I'm saying, I'll pretend to care about what you're saying."

   You can stay, but your clothes must go.

   As long as it comes with great packaging, there's nothing wrong with inner beauty.

   You'd think the liquor store cashier could at least PRETEND not to recognize me.

   Ladies, clear plastic bra straps make some of you look like you're stuffed in a 6-pack ring.

   christmas shopping online is confusing the kids..they see their toys being delivered one at a time. If the UPS guy would dress like Santa..problem solved.

   No, I haven't been sick. I haven't been busy. I haven't been away on vacation. The reason I haven't returned your calls is because I can't stand you.

   I love myself, I'm just not "post pictures of myself everyday on Facebook" love myself.

   Conversations that start with "Don't get mad" seldom end that way.

   You know you're lazy when you have a one bedroom apartment and still want to hire a cleaning lady.

   We should cease calling them ski masks, because really only robbers wear them.

   What the hell is a 'stable relationship' and is it as horrible as it sounds?

   Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen”

   No, you can't sit there - I'm saving that seat in case someone hotter than you comes along.

   A true friend thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.

   I hope I never die in a bar cause if someone calls a priest, a rabbi or a minister my life is gonna end up as one big joke.

   Holding a baby is a great excuse to just openly pass gas without anyone knowing.