Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bought a roll-a-way bed the other day. I haven't tried it out yet . . . I haven't been able to catch it!!!

   My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale. I sold their house.

   Yellow cars have the lowest crash rate, according a different pole

   you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

   You really want animals? Try installing a bed sheet with a cat

   She asked if I was horny, it’s like she doesn’t even know I’m a man.

   No honey, I didn't invite you hiking just because you're fat, and bears will target you first. I also think you make great trail mix.

   Alcohol? Yes. Feelings? Hell no!

   Setting here wrapping presents with one hand. If someone finds a band aid in theirs Don't touch it, I'm still waiting on them test results.

   Who needs a fireplace. I'm watching the yule log!

   Be sure to always chase your dreams, with as much alcohol as you can buy.

   The only way to have an upper hand over a woman is to be better looking than her.

   I'm outside banging kitchen pots together so my neighbors can think I'm strapped......lol happy new years everyone

   Don't worry, everyone is self-conscious about something. For example, you're probably concerned about that awful haircut or your ugly nose.

   Back in the day when I was attracted to a girl I never had enough guts to ask her out. Now with Facebook I am suppose to be confident enough to poke her? #singleforever

   I think when you said: You ruined EVERYTHING! You were wrong, because this beer is still delicious.

   Umm...it's frigid...not fridged...'fridged' is something yous stored in the refrigerator hahha

   Just farted myself out of a dead nap, so yeah, you could say I've got sexual dynamo on lockdown!

   It's not about the chase, it's about the kill

   Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.