Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last month was one of the wettest 'JUNES' in recorded history. I think that was down to all the 50 Shades of Grey books that were sold !!!

   I'd like to punch you in the unibrow but I am gay, so I will just wax that for you.

   The 3 worst words to hear right now..."Tomorrow is Monday"

   I always keep a backup in case these hos wanna act up!

   Treating a women is like tea time... You just let the pinky do what it wants.

   I emailed my congressman about SOPA and PIPA. I have no doubt that the government will not care though. . . To prove it, I got an auto reply so they will not read it.

   I just heard someone described as a "YouTube star" which I don't think is actually a thing.

   If I hear Jennifer Hudson sing "I am you, you are me...If you want it you got it..." Then I'm going to start expecting her Weight Watchers endorsement checks.

   I have jury duty in the court of public opinion today.

   Happy Hump Day This Sincerely, Those of us who work Saturdays

   likes to fist-bump with a 'i got ur nose' fist

   Doctors say a drink a day is good for the heart. imagine how good it would be with 10 drinks especially with V day approaching..

   figured out the answer to the question, "Why does my dog like to put his head out the car window and he doesn't like when I blow in his face?" Answer: Halitosis!

   2 entirely different phrases; each have 3 words and 8 letters: “I Love You!” vs. “Go To Hell!”

   My buddy used to be a store clerk but he lost his job, so he set up a kiosk in the mall to vend for himself...

   carefully placed a spider egg sack under my ex's pillow

   Dear Nerf, Table legs hurt! Fix that. Sincerely, Stubbed Toe

   Ryan Braun - way to beat the "guilty until proven innocent" rap!!

   Okay Facebook lovers, you can shove your lovey-dovey cute couple pics down our throats all you want, as we snicker and think to ourselves, "Gee what a goofy looking couple"

   when 1 of my lenses fall out, I like to think of the glasses as half full