Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   went into BP after getting subway. and spilled my slushy all over the floor. and yelled "YOU DONT LIKE HOW THAT FEEELS HUH!" and left.

   it's really awkward when you invite your neighbors to your Shark Week party, and then you realize that your neighbors are tuna, and they probably don't observe Shark Week.

   despite the clouds... last night's Eclipse was way better than the Twilight movie...

   I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die

   I'd think getting a parking spot at the Special Olympics would be tough unless you got there really early

   'do you think the queen ever pulls the covers up to her chan and says "look phillip, i'm a stamp"'

   .ʇı ʎuǝp oʇ ʎɹʇ ʇ,uop .ʍou ʇɥbıɹ ʎɐʍɐ puıɯ ɹnoʎ buıʍo1q

   ~ Free Tibet! (with purchase of 2nd Tibet of equal or lesser value)

   The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old, I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

   a godfather, that's a great thing to be,He calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught him that.

   woke up this morning feeling like P-Diddy

   I made my man an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he...

   I'm so mean, I make my fish watch me eat pizza. And don't offer any.

   What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? El-if-i-no

   I am working on writing a new Dr.Suess book..."The Retailer Who Stole Thanksgiving." "He didn't care if he got to eat the jello-o cranberry ring, just so long as he got to hear the cash register sing..."

   If Donald Trump cuts funding for Sesame Street how will he ever learn to read?

   If Trump's nose grew every time he told a lie, Melania could wipe his nose for him in New York when he is sniffling in Washington.

   I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

   Mosquito is the Spanish word for "little Islamic house of worship."

   Be careful! Fox News reported that 30,000 people have died trying to sign up for Obamacare!