Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   cooler then the other side of the pillow

   Nobody lives forever, but especially not that homeless person I just ran over.

   US troops went to Africa and built them houses and schools and then brought them food. The Africans smiled and said thanks for being the greatest country in the world.

   What do you call a woman that doesn't make me a sandwich? An ambulance.

   Nancy Grace TONIGHT: George Zimmerman's secret plot to kill the Royal Baby.

   After all these years of jacking off a hand job from a girl just doesn't cut it. I need a dry rough man hand to get the job done.

   yo momma is so stupid..she placed a paper ontop of the t.v. and thought she was watchin paperview

   I don't always drink coffee, but when I do I drink Starbucks Pumkin spiced latte. Stay caffienated my friends.

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, thew shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed

   "The term CRACKER offendes me" - nobody.

   religion? um, ha, no. i'm not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. 

   Presidential Election 2012. Herman Cain Vs. Barack Obama Better known as Cain vs Unable.

   Attention womanizer! Myspace is the best place to hide your secret from your love ones!

   I bet people in jail don't use scented body wash...Cuz the last thing you want is some dude rolling up on you talking bout, "Sniff sniff...You smell like Cherry Fruit Passion".....

   When I die I want to be buried with my a$$ sticking out of the ground, not so they can kiss it, but so people have a place to park their bikes when they come to visit.

   Happy "Let's watch a bunch of idiots eat an ass-load of hot dogs on ESPN" day!!

   I have a buddy that is a vegetarian not because he loves animals but because he hates plants!!!

   The beat you hear outside the club sounds very similar to the sound a cat makes before throwing up.

   I'm not sure what I find more disturbing, my mum being so adamant that my sister's a lesbian, or my dad winking while he says, "She's not, son......Trust me!"

   Jed Clampett needs to go shootin for some food again. Black Gold, Texas Tea.