Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today 9/6 marks the end of my 7 years of bad luck for breaking a mirror. just like this one here......oops, Oh crap, not again.

   I remember waking up after my first wet dream....I thought a ghost had came in and gave me a handjob.

   I didn't lose my faith, I found reality.

   Someone needs to remind men in their 40s that tucking the T-shirt into their jeans does not make them look any younger.

   I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.

   Happy Mothers Day!..Thank You Dad for not Pulling Out!

   Remember to wish your dad a happy Father's Day, as well as thanking him for not wiping you up in a tissue.

   late at night, when everyone is sleeping, I fill up the bath tub with marinara sauce and pretend that I am a meatball.

   I had to take a lie detector test at a job interview once. No I didn't.

   Never underestimate a Cat 1 Hurricane: I've never seen a situation involving one cat, water & a blow dryer end well..

   It's easy to call it TrumpDontCare - so let's go with it.

   Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don't think soooo.

   If you "have to meet with the NRA to discuss whether people on the terrorist watch list should be able to buy guns", then that's a case of the tail wagging the dog and you are showing you are owned by the gun lobby.

   I imagine a two year old having a temper tantrum as being the next statue erected honoring all those brave men and women who refuse to wear a mask.

   Behind every beautiful girl is the ugly relationship that made her scared to love again

   Are you single? No I am Album.

   There is no such thing as 'American English'. There is English and there are mistakes.

   First Paul Walker now Nelson Mandela please let the third person be Lil Wayne

   I broke up with my cross eyed boyfriend he was seeing 2 people at once

   Everyone's all, 'OMG! Snow!', and I'm just over here like, 'Hey, tonight Obama is going to officially announce that he's going to overtly rule by decree.'