Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The next Bond title already causing controversy. "Pissypants Fingerbang".

   They say 50% of status updates are written while sitting on the toilet… that's why I don't buy used mobiles.

   Before you meet your prince you have to kiss a lot of toads.

   Did you guys hear about the robber that stole a calendar? Yeah, he got 12 months.

   in a relationship ♥ with Samuel Adams

   I got F C and K. The only thing missing is you !

   If God meant me to be naked, he would have made my skin fit better.

   dreaming of a 'backcolor=#FFFFFF' Christmas.

   If you ever see your girl smiling at her phone, she probably laughing at my posts and picturing our life together after she leaves you.

   After many rewrites, the Bible lost all stories of Jesus' little known brother Carl. Carl could turn wine into water. No one liked Carl.

   Q: What's more disgusting than a hicky on a hemorrhoid? A: The chick that put it there.

   Drake music be having you missing somebody else's ex.

   My Dad said if I get 1000 likes, my dog will come back to life!

   Why did they say Duchess Kate went into "labor?" The royals have never worked a day in their lives.

   Anyone who calls someone else a bigot is bigot. Your also intolerant of his view. Dumb@ss.

   Yesterday, the Dems got what they wanted! Then realized they didn’t get what they wanted. Trump played them. And I’m gonna get what I want in 2020...Trump re-elected!

   Great! My girlfriend's period just came. My bloody Valentine.

   Now, if we could only get some white smoke to come out of the White House's chimney.

   wiping my ass with the Koran after taking the biggest dump of my life!

   When are they going to do a myth busters episode on God?